Beautiful to me...

.....
Yahweh, You are beautiful to me.
Your beauty far greater than the angels,
further than the dance of the sunset fire,
deeper than the ocean at gaze.
You captivate me, o my soul does fly.
I, with the wind, do make my sails,
upon your breathe,
in your Son shining glory.
Your wonder brings comfort upon my troubled soul.
Your emnity draws my soul to your peace.
O Beauty does mount up your name.
Jesus... how I do love thee.
So beautiful, all your ways, my Love.
You meet me in the morning,
your warmth of kiss to my soul,
my thoughts are of you all my days,
and my every moment that i am awake.
Your wonder not due at sun break,
but it goes on in through the nights,
we walk upon the beach of my life.
We gaze at the stars you have placed.
We walk, we run, we sit, we dance.
My Lord, theres none but words I can find,
none in this world, for its not of You,
none that could describe Your beauty in my eyes.
How much more wondrous you are!
Draw me closer, draw me into Your heart...
Your beauty fills my eyes, I can only stare,
there's none that I can say but-
Jesus, You are so beautiful to me

.....

This is a psalm, a love letter. Again in my dorm room at Columbia Bible College, during my first year, I was just awed at the remarkable beauty of my Lord. When I think of God, I see more than the beauty of sunsets, more synchronizing than that of fire, the peace of that soft blowing wind... SHEER beauty. None like Him, so I have written this...

I was supposed to write a psalm for one of our trips sailing on the ocean (close to Victoria). I wrote this before I went out sailing in my room, imagining what it would be like out on the ocean, to see the sunrise and sunset.
This poem was just a foreshadow. My experience was my poem made alive to see, to hear, to breathe, but even more so because... i was actually there.

Face to face II

Transformation takes place in us when we are face to face with God Himself. We kneel before Him in prayer, the eyes of our hearts look heavenward, and the hands of our soul reach out. We converse. Not just us talking to Him and us "hanging up the phone" after we have done our requests. But rather, we first wait. We listen. In silence. God quiets the voices in our heads that seem loud. Now, forget about the worries of this world. Lay down "responsibilities" of life. Let His Holy Presence hover over you. Let Him take off the weights of the worries.. of responsibilities.. fears.. expectations.. family pressures... let go of anxiety of friendships, throw off pressures of work, pressures of school. This is a promise assured to you: "God heard them, for their prayer reached heaven, his holy dwelling place (2 Chronicles 30.27)" It's just you and God. Let Him take you on a journey- a place of peace apart from your busy world. What does that place look like? Imagine it.


My journey that He takes me to is to Himself. Jus as in the first picture you saw with the man standing before 'a great presence'. I take God's presence with me wherever I go, as if He is there right then. He's with me now. He's with you. I lose myself in Him. There's only light in Him. No darkness. When I desire to hide from the world, I hide myself in him. When I need healing, I am wrapped in God's arms. When I am afraid, His presence is with me. When I'm angry.. I vent my frustration to God or wait. Wait and let His understanding console me. One thing I would love is that in every season of my soul.. I would dance.
In lifeteams I took on the challenge of learning more about prayer and it's joy.

I've learned what prayer is not.

Prayer is not in a box.
Prayer is talking to God, in our minds or outwardly speaking. But prayer is not restricted to this. Prayer is not simply talking into a "phone" and listing off requests and then hanging up (Brad Jersak).
Prayer is time of waiting.
Prayer is a time of listening.
Prayer is creative. (Can pray through scrapbooking, painting, going for walks, etc.)
Praying in daily activities. (sports, doing dishes, driving, working)
Prayer is conversing with God one-on-one and also in groups.
Prayer is trust.
Prayer is not selfish.
Through my dancing I pray also. When God first spoke to me about this I was like.. "Huh? This can only be my wishful thinking". Every one of us just naturally move in a certain way in how we are. God's pressed into us grooves here, markings there. Differences are great! I love being with a whole lot of people, in every individual I jus see how wonderfully they are made and in some way I see Jesus in them. Dancing is natural. Not only to me. To many. Probably more than I can imagine. I know, I know! there are people who desire to dance when I'm in church, at college, or big groups. But no one does it. I got my eyes on you! I'm watching... *shifty eyes*

Face to face

Prayer is powerful. The beauty of this message has echoed all through my life. Especially in this past year I have heard that over and over again.
Prayer is something we can carry with us wherever we are- in the cities, in the country, on our knees, while we walk, with many people, when (if!) we're swallowed by fish (Jonah 2), "before the cross", before the altar, in church, in the allies, our homes 'behind closed doors', during the day, in the long nights ~By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life~Psalm 42.8
Our prayers are like burned incense, it rises up like smoke and is a sweet smell to God. All of the prayers in the world rise up and is a sweet smell to God. As said here in Psalm 141:2 ~May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.

This picture to the right reminds me of that. We are face to face with God. We are meeting with the Almighty, our soul continuing to shift to be in line with Him, life is pouring into us. Our life lifted up in prayer before God... as sweet incense. Something I also see in the picture is that as the prayers are lifted up, there's an aroma going up, like fire. There are people on the 'outside', going towards the light of the aroma, the light of prayers. Power of prayers are evident in this world.

Anna is one of the girls who I chill with at GRITS youth, she's just entered into her relationship with God. When I'm with her and everyone's singing, she often sits and listens. She tells me she loves the voices of everyone singing together. There's something beautiful about a thousand voices, or congregation full, of people when they're all lifted as one voice, on prayer, one song. I love it too. It reminds me of unity God desires us to have, a community with the same heart after God. It's beautiful. I am also reminded of heaven when I hear all the voices lifted together. I imagine the angels singing with us as we give glory to our King.

I admit, I think.. wait, I know that my prayers really do stink sometimes. There's no meaning to it. I pray for selfish reasons, or I WANT certain things from God. There's a lot of reasons prayers go stinky. Ewk. "I'm sorry God!" Doesn't mean God loves us any less or doesn't mean He doesn't want to spend time with us. Often times, it's Him wanting to spend time with us more than we want to with Him!
Prayer was a habit for me in every circumstance and I didn't sleep until I prayed. Slowly overtime my prayers were every other day and then whenever I was in need. The less I prayed, I noticed the more I had trouble in my life's walk. My actions became slower. My faith became more "work" rather than jus living it simply. I looked and looked, but did not perceive. "Aah God! I need help!" And this was the thing, I knew I could talk to God, I knew I could hear Him and knew He was listening, but.. shame. It drove me from kneeling before God. Unworthiness told me I could no longer look into the face of God.
But...
God is forgiving. Anyone who confesses wrong-doing and takes forgiveness, straps it to himself and comes before God... is embraced. They stand in GRACE. "Grace is sufficient" (vs?) He whispers "I have heard your prayer". The barrier is then removed FULLY, I imagine for those who hoped in the Lord in the Bible and I know for me, life HAS poured out once those words were spoken "I have heard your prayers". Relief like waves of peace wash over my soul and bless my heart, 'I am heard. Someone is listening'.

...

"He answered their prayers, because they trusted in him"~1 Chron. 5.20
*The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective*~James 5:16

...

Prayer is WORSHIP. It's a gift given by God that we may go face to face with him boldly, we may receive from Him. In our prayers our heart, our soul, our mind is drawing back to God. Prayer enables us to hear from God, move with His Spirit to carry out His plan of Shalom. In prayer we are centering ourself in the One whom has made us, in prayer we are giving God glory.

Verse to pray: Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

-Going to Nemiah-

Lifeteams is going to Nemiah again! My year in Lifeteams was the first year YFC has taken a group to the valley, and we're invited to come again! My group LOVED it, and I'm sure this year they will love it too. It sure is a long drive there for them though! I'm quite used to it, it doesn't seem too long once you drive it a hundred times a year.
Lifeteams will be going to help out the community, plan activities for the young ones and the community, and experience life in a different cultural setting. I have been blessed to hang out with the Lifeteamers a lot, I LOVE THEM! I love that Lifeteams is family. Thank you guys for being an encouragement, I'm sure you'll enjoy your time in my home!

From this...

You're right where you are meant to be. In life, in your family, the community in which you've grown up in, the friends you have. Your personality, your looks were woven by God's imagination. As God's plan unravels do you think there's a time where God doesn't havea handle on things?

He is the Creator.

He's made everything! There is nothing He doesn't know. In the midst of your joy, share your joy. Give much thanks-giving and praise to the Lord! Every blessing we receive has come down from the throne of God. Even our suffering, the chaos in the world is a blessing. We can hope in Him who's made it in persevering, enduring, His hope does not disappoint us. God

is true to His words, we will never face more than we can ever bare. The waters will not engulf us and steal our breath.

...

I rant on in this not jus for comfort comfort, but encourage whoever's reading,

you're right where you are. If not, don't sweat bullets, God will place you there!

I write all this because.. I'm EXCITED about life.

I feel so pumped- to encourage those around me, to jus live. Not

to care what anyone thinks of me, but only the thoughts God has for and about me.

And so I long to live that way. Only caring about God's thoughts and call on my life.

He speaks through people no doubt. But my hope isn't in people. I'm given a Spirit.

Wohoo! God gives me spirit of love, control, discernment and authority.

I'm not deservant of this.

Sometimes I hate life. Ick! Life's gross, sin is so overwhleming

that I would jus like to hide under a rock forever. And ever. And ever.

I feel like this only when my life is self-centered. It means I'm not God-centered.

My 'self' doesn't carry hope, or love, or goodness or joy. God is all of that.

I lose all the zest of life when I'm trying to live for myself.

And there's this lovely lil battle within me, flesh and the Spirit.

Flesh, is SO UGLY.

God's given me a face for flesh. Sometimes I choose to ignore the Spirit.

Flesh does "what I want!" Or so I think.

I fall on my face.

I lose grip of God's hand.

I weaken.

And shamed.

I cry out and am reminded of the Spirit.

And the Spirit is SO BEAUTIFUL.

The "face" of Him is... unignorable.

I gaze into the face of forever, face of goodness,

and I heal from within.

His Spirit washes me with GRACE.

Thank you Lord.

I gain strength,

wisdom,

understanding,

love.

My soul is in harmony with the Lord.

Not by anything I could do, but by His abounding grace that spreads over my soul.

Over multitude of my sins, and they are made to nothing.

Light of hope shines.

I am reminded of Peter placing his feet out of the boat,

he pushes himself off the boat and then he's walking... on water.

With Jesus.

He's looking at Jesus.

He's looking to where he needs to be, the one He's aiming to be like.

Hope fills his eyes, a "knowing" that it's possible, and joy comes.

Then he falls, because He takes his eyes off Jesus.

He's looking at the wind, and everything else around him.

Part of me thinks he was looking at himself, at his feet.

"He sees where he's at and knows how "far" he has to go before

he anywhere near looking like Jesus".

Strength of the hope he had disappears and fear rushes in.

He sinks immediately.

Before the waters rush over his head,

a hand reaches out above the wild waves.

"JESUS!"

"Little faith. WHY did you doubt?"

The words "It's okay. It's all going to be okay" are repeated everywhere when someone

needs comfort. These words for me personally have become life words. They mean more,

in that God has his hand in everything. His hand is in my life! Those words used to annoy me so

much before. It seemed meaningless when someone said it to me. It wasn't meaningful.

But now I'm like "Amen, brother (or sis)"

We ask and ask again to go out to this place or that, places we dreamed to be.

Sometimes we doubt.

Peter asked to go out on the water.

We ask to go out on the water.

Jesus says "Come".

My heads fallin off

AAAAAAAAAAAHH!! Mid-terms has me by the neck. I'm goin to be strangled. Not yet. Tests start tomorrow. It's way early in the morning and I can't sleep! I got my bible open to Revelation and memorizing all I can. When I sleep I wish I could jus place the book on my head it would jus soak in! Instant download. Blah!... blah. I got a lot on my plate this week. Which is expected when mid-terms come up. I am the WORST PROCRASTINATOR in the world!
I am excited though for Jimmy's Conference this weekend on SALTS SPRING ISLAND. It seems so much further away. Another month (centuries away) I'm in Nemiah. HOPEFULLY! Lifeteams is goin up again to my home! I had a good weekend with the Life girls, we got to chat and beat Anthony at scum! Yester nite we jus had youth leader meeting for youth. I'm stoked to be with Miranda in starting homegroups! I trust that that is some time for girls to deepen their faith immensely.
By the way, I moved out of my cubby hole (storage room)!!! Sadly, Jen is no longer here at our apartment. We won't get any roomies til next semester. Jen has school, driving school and seeing a doctor about her back- which takes most of her money with her. Jen we'll miss you!
Okay.. getting back to my "studies".

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

-MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

About my skimboard...

Great story of Jonah and the whale...
God is one who's like no other. God is not One who is worried about what people think.He doesn't let His people's worries, fears, strengths control His actions. He's God. He knows all and He is good.
God is also one who uses the weirdest things imaginable to carry out His plan. A whale. As He's created everything, He's used ONE to swallow an unfaithful, doubtful man who was called to do some crazy things for God. Jonah. From our shaded perspective, we would think he had every right to be freaked out & escape this one dreadful place. God's going to turn this most evil place in the entire country into a place of goodness? Apparently, God wasn't big enough to do that, so Jonah ran away. Sound familiar to our lives? He decided to take a boat. The sea was outraged. The men he was with, casted lots, found out it was because of Jonah & he was tossed. The rage of the sea died instantly & it was bluntly calm. The mouth of the whale came up around Jonah & he was in the whale for 3 days. An unknown place. It's dark. It probably smells. Many of us get swallowed into a place like this.

Only thing we can do is search God's face beg for help.

Prayer of Jonah.
"In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help,

and you listened to my cry.

You hurled me into the deep,

into the very heart of the seas,

and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers swept over me.

I said, 'I have been banished from your sight;

yet I will look again toward your holy temple.

'The engulfing waters threatened me,

the deep surrounded me;

seaweed was wrapped around my head.

To the roots of the mountains I sank down;

the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit, O LORD my God.

"When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.

"Those who cling to worthless idols

forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

But I, with a song of thanksgiving,

will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.

Salvation comes from the LORD."

Lord had the whale spit Jonah out onto land. Message came to Jonah the 2nd time: Go to Ninevah and give my message. He did. Lives were changed. Seemingly unthinkable, unconquerable, impossible tasks are crumbs beneath God's feet. Then, they're made possible. God says "Walk in my ways", put your footsteps in His and trust. Take comfort in His knowing. God is good.

~Life update for those in Nemiah~

I'm here in Abbotsford, on Columbia Bible College's campus. It was so hard for me to come back here at first, I wanted to stay home! I was really feeling it when we were in Williams Lake. We arrived in Abbotsford, unpack my stuff and hit campus on Monday. It did feel good to be back here too.
~Classes I'm taking:
Revelation:D -it is not a scary class. There's a whole lot of symbolism in this book. I love it- As the teacher keeps sayin, it's a book about the victory of Jesus and His reign and the joys of His coming. Anyone have questions? Feel free to post them and I can see if I can ask them.
Conflict Management -This was a bigger class than I expected. The professor, Janet Boldt, is amazing. She feels like a mom lol...=S This course covers teachings on conflicts in childhood, through youth years and all the way up to adults. We had to do a test examination on our own conflict styles... I didn't like what's been hi-lited about how I handle conflict. Me and Dustin were talkin about this, it's one of those things you know, but when it's hi-lited.. jus want to hide. We were figuring "Yea, we're about a middle-average, handle things moderately", but it hit me and Dustin, lol it's not like that at all.
It's funny that psalms are prayed and songs are sung asking God to shed His light on us, draw His light back to us etc. etc. I sometimes wonder if they conscientiously know what they're asking for. I mean, God's light is beautiful and something I pursue to keep walkin in, the path lit is good. When there's things in our life mustering in with the dark and it's brought to light... it's not really a pretty sight! Those things revealed have to be dealt with. Anything from unholy pride, jealousy, bitterness- the whole 9 yards. I thank God that whatever's been revealed, God gives us strength to wrestle with it (flesh), and keep it under control through His Spirit.
Anababtist Theology -z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z ... yeah, I've got to continue trying to make the best of this class. The movie we watched on how this denomination formed was interesting. Other than that I'm sort of lost.
Biblical Studies -I love this class. I've had this teacher twice, he's a lot more animated now. I'm enjoying more of how to approach the Bible, how to study and given tools for Bible.
JOSHUA+Judges -I knew the book of Joshua was always there, but I hadn't got into it. I LOVE IT! It speaks so much into my life, I'm encouraged by this man of God. "Be courageous and strong"- These words are echoed through the whole story. Joshua faces the challenge of walking in the shoes of the Great Moses (Moses has a BIG rep!), but God encourages Him that jus as He was powerfully working with Moses, He'll do the same with Joshua. Joshua stays close with God, goes into the Promised Land, conquers under EVERY circumstance. He faced a lot of obstacles where in our eyes he would have seemed to be squash (there are a lot of stories like this in the Bible). EVERYTHING IS GOD's and everything we receive are gifts, land is one of many gifts and God says "I've delivered them into your hands", so Joshua takes it. There's so much more to it though, there's not enough space on this to say it all. But the messages of this book speak a lot to my heart, my strengths and my fears.
Lastly, Youth Specialties Convention -in CALIFORNIA! We got to chill out at Sacramento and cruised (walked) the streets. It's a beautiful place. My camera's my best buddy, maybe you guys will see pictures soon! Read the letter before this about Cali.
~Xeni Gwet'in thank you for all your support, you don't know what your money is pouring into, my life is being changed and shaped here in school!~

~I found it funny, everywhere Billy goes he meets our friends and they ask if he's our brother. He had that the whole week and he was getting tired of it. He thought about it after awhile and was like "Hey, my circle of friends is expanding, I have Yo and Jo's friends too", he didn't mind it too much after that. Felt kind of weird at first to have Billy at the same college as us. He's learning a lot and loves it!

~My sis, friend Jen and I are sharing an apartment right now! We are at Dahlstrom Manor on corner of Clearbrook & George Ferguson Way Road. My room is the closet (or storage room a.k.a. cubby-hole) 'n I'm lovin' it. It's cozy. Although Jen is moving out the end of this month, we're looking for roommates from CBC. If that doesn't work out then we may jus get a one-room apartment upstairs. It'll be cheaper. I hope we stay with the apartment we have now *praying hard*

OUTSIDE OF SKOO
~We are talking now about few of us being an intern at our senior youth. Please please pray for me, it it's not God's will that I do it, then so what, but if it is, then pray I can get the spot! I've had a longing now for awhile to do more at my youth, been dreamin up some stuff. Our girls home group will be starting up too, so please pray also that it would be a tool God would use to shape these beautiful girls!!! We been chillin' out a lot with our cuz Reaco as well, it's been a lot of fun. I'm encouraged by the leadership he's showing even on the first day of our youth group, he's very welcoming spirit.

God's doin a lot with our youth, Dave's been great with the kids, I know there's probly more God's putting up Dave's sleeve. Dave's been one that God put on my path to watch and learn from. You're awesome Dave! Your loving patience means a lot to me. More than you know.

~I would like to be more involved with Yale Secondary as well. I would like to come out to Wednesday Bible study and chill with the kids in Ruth and Ann's room. We'll see how that goes.
If the internship doesn't work out I'm going to see if I can get a part-time job somewhere, anywhere;)

Other than that I been tryin to ketchup with peop's I haven't seen for awhile. I would like to do that s'more with Lifeteams and highschool buds.

I got to drop off my sis at work right now! I'll come back again and touch up, I've got so much more to say~

sometimes i hate homework..

I thought writer's block only comes once in a blue moon. When I'm doing a paper I don't want to do, I have the brain farts all the way through. I really want to pull my hair. Lately I have really had these weird urges... to cut my hair very short, dye it a funky color, dress out of my ordinary, jump off a building.. like with a big kite. Billy's QUEST friends went out last week and went sky-diving! I was really envious. It's become apparent to me lately though that I HATE falling. So I'm not sure if sky-diving will be checked off on my list things to do. I don't mind being up high, falling jus... urks me.
Speaking of falling, I've been encouraged a lot to fall into the arms of God. Being in His arms is okay, but peeling my fingers and my heart away from anything I've been holding onto and falling is scary.
The other weekend I went to California;) Well, some of the time we were cooped up in the convention, but I was able to see some of Sacramento and cruise the streets! The theme of the weekend was JUMP! The whole idea is to jump into the arms of God and know who He's called you to be and trust that where I'm at is good and the roads in the future I am to travel are good roads.
I was so encouraged.
Before we hit the convention, as 31 of us were travelling on the bus, I had a lot of time to think- 20 HOURS is a lot of time to think! I reflected on my life, checking in to see if I was at the right place. I felt assured in my spirit that this convention was something I needed to be at. I also felt.. DEEPLY felt that this whole ministry of God's that has to do with youth in my life should be handed over to God. I wanted to check my motives for this ministry and didn't want it to be one of those I'm doin on my own ambitions. Jennifer Phillips encouraged me in the summer also that "I'm where I'm supposed to be". "For now" I guess.
I've had the urge to travel lately. Also the urge to be ~HOME~. I really miss home. There's still a lot I have to surrender to God. So much I feel like it's hopeless. A need after need, all has to be given to Him.
On the weekend I also have seen how much I receive, receive and consume. Least I can do for God is GIVE, let him take His job as the Consumer. In giving all, I have to start with one. And then the next. And slowly all is surrendered into the hands of eternity. Eternity. We are going to be with the Lord, forever. I am fascinated at that jus now. A whole lot of joy, unspeakable peace, and reign of goodness. I'm excited.
I thank God for the wonderful speakers in California who've added to this great canvas of my mind. My teachers/mentors in lifeteams and those at CBC have added great color. Thank you God for the blackness, I am able to distinguish Your LIGHT and vass colors of beauty.
Falling into your arms is fun. And funny. Things are funny AFTER I've gone thru my brain-rattling experiences. Then I can laugh. I sense your smile and your knowing-ness. I can trust because I've fallen a lot, it's because AFTER I know that I can trust you all along. Please God, don't stop this work You're doing in me.