Where to start.. where to start..Well as the New Year has been stretching on, I've received more revelations from God.. as well as trying to get myself out of long-time ruts and getting myself into new ones. It's become clear to me that I have the same heart as Peter, stepping out of the boat, eager to follow footsteps of Christ. But just like him, my eyes have gone to the black waves at my every side, I've confided with reasonings of the world, and so my courage has been flooded with fear. I've become all too familiar with the claws of anxiety Peter may have felt in that time of stepping out.
Yet Gods' mercy's are new every morning. He's promised me that there's no condemnation for me, only love in His heart to draw me near. Drawing near. To Christ Jesus. I've been desiring it but not feeling the strength to hold myself up in the path He leads me down. The sacrifice seems too great. The pain seems all too real and.. disturbing. Stepping into the 'unknown' looks too fearsome. I hate being uncomfortable, hate putting myself out there in the first place with fear that I won't be consistent to carry out whatever I've started. So I'm clashing about, trying to find anything my hand can get a hold of to keep me above the swallowing waters. Fear of suffocating in all this grips my heart so much it bleeds. For awhile I've felt like this. Jus doing what I can in each day to 'get by'.. the bare minimum sometimes so I can reserve my strength for when I really need it. My eyes are opened to those around me as well, they're drowning too. I feel like I need to save myself before I can be any help to them. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do except to pray "Help!" My ears shut out God's voice, my heart has hardened more than I knew, my eyes don't want to see anymore. It's all too much. The numbing voice of the world lingers in my mind, I jus want to hear God's voice.. sometimes I'm too eager to speak for God, saying this or that is the problem. God help me to succeed in what you call me to, whether small or big. Help me to complete Your heart's desires. Help me to look through your eyes, know your heart, hear your words, live your ways. And always walk in it, that even on these black, wavy waters, I'll remain on top and be with You.
It all starts with you Jesus, I know. Jus show me how. I pray a prayer of your will and not mine. I see a very blurry vision of what you want me to do, I pray as Jesus prayed, give me strength. Your are my rod and my staff. You are the Author of Life, you wrote this story of Salvation. You are the Finisher of my Faith and You are not done. Thank you Jesus. Your grace and mercie's are my wings. I hold your love in my heart, you keep it beating, you keep me breathing. I'll wait for you Jesus.
Amen.
