Going beZerk!

I could NOT keep still the night before. I was incredibly restless, I don't understand this. I am so annoyed of this. I need help(!).
Hymph, within the past few years, well... as long as I can remember, I've been wrestling with this restless spirit in me. It just continues to "haunt" me (Yes, I am going to the extremes about this restlessness. It haunts me.). Blah. I still got a bit of strength to keep wrestling, it's wearing thin though.
Sometimes I pray (about it), mostly I'm 'neck-deep' in thought. Sometimes I scream about it. I don't yell my head off, don't worry about that. I just let out my squeel. I pull my hair. And I pace. That's the extremes of this.. disease.
Mild case of restlessness: flip through books to occupy my mind, make phone calls, put on my tunes and sing along and praise.. praise my Lord. And I ask Him, "Why, do you suppose I have this restlessness rustling about in me Lord?" And I haven't been patient enough to listen to an answer.
One of the last things I resort to in regards to steering this energy somewhere: homework. I've suffered for this. Still working on getting in last minute assignments. I've got to. We have our GRITS youth retreat to go to this weekend @ Eagles Rest (close to Mission). That will be my treat:) Before than I'll chug along, hand in my stuff:P
Ummm but that was last night! I found a bit of a cure. I got my black paper and pastels. It's soothing for me to pour these emotions unto paper. Calms me down.
Also writing. My thoughts spill out on to the pages of my journal. And stay there. Ha.
If I'm still restless, I read what I have journalled before. Capturing the feeling of where I was at before (state of peace), the power of reminder washes over me, and well I'm blanketed in peace once again.
Walks are soothing. Allows me to take this restlessness and walk it out. Fishtrap Creek is my place of adventure. Just yesterday a few geese visited me as I was looking out on the pond from the bench. They left droppings. Thanks. I took my camera along, eventually you will see my 'winged friends'. Squirrels also hopped around the streets. Felt like they were following me. Stalkers. I went across a bridge and birds sang. I imagined myself surrounded by God's choir... their song still resonates in me.
Being out in nature, God's creation, allows me to see their worship (the animals, trees, grass, leaves, dirt, rock... everything) and then I go back to college and my youth group, I also see the worship of God's children (through friendship, guitar playing, homework duties, teaching, song... everything).
Talking. Is another thing. Yoyo thank you so much for being my krutch in times I need it most. You don't know what you do for me. I love you:)
Movies help sometimes. Sleep does too:)

So eventually I dozed off. One of those things where you're squirming around in bed, trying to find a comfyness (but can't), before you know it you've slept and just open your eyes to alarm buzzing. Sleep, I beckon you to attack me at appropriate times, like 11 at night, NOT during times I'm supposed to do my homework!

Anyhow, after hitting the snooze button a lot of times, I peered out my window, and there, the sky was blue, no clouds lurking on the mountains! It felt like it was goin to be a beautiful day, I wore my skirt:)
And IT WAS a beautiful day. I’ve gone from a bezerk night to a rather pleasant day!
God spoke to me, that's always a +plus.
I was in the library, weeding through the aisles until I found a good book. My eyes caught the title "Scribbling in the Sand: Christ & Creativity", I take it out and skim the pages, "Yep, look like it'll be a good book".

Lately, my struggle's been focusing, especially in the art of living. Art of expressing the beauty of my relationship with God, art of expressing what God has revealled to me. I find that I been stuttering in my performance (of life), as my mind is scattered sometimes or I care too much of what others would think of my performance (When I feel strongly that God is calling me to somethin, I first worry about what people's thoughts would be). I been increasingly frustrated with this, sometimes I imagine even God as a harsh judge on my performance.
I was really interested in what Michael Card had to say about voices that bambarded him before he would begin to write a song. He listed his voices, these are mine:
"You can do it right the first time, if you can't do that, than what CAN you do?"
"If you can't do exactly what God imagines this art work to come out like, if you can't hit the bulls eye, what's the use?"
"Why even try? You can't weave beauty into your work of art from your scattered thoughts... you should get everything 'down pat' before trying anything"
"No one will care about what you're doing, it won't effect them"
"This job/idea/task is too big for you"
"Can you really hear God's voice and direction in this?"
"Look at your past failures..."

Michael would shift his focus. All these words have one thing in common: "you".
Creativity is not about me, not about you.
"Creative worship is one appropriate response to the heartbreaking beauty of God".
I've been learning always that in my worship to the Lord in all areas of my life, my worship is my response to him. I respond by writing song, writing poems, stories (as I been able to do sometimes on here), dance, everything.
Michael drew the picture of God's beauty so well. Beauty of breath-taking scenery around us. I saw that beauty at Fishtrap, on hiking trips, my home, the person on the computer beside me. Beautiful.
Beautiful, is a trait of God. With all my heart I feel God speaking so strongly to me through beauty. I identify it well. Each of us do. How I have loved watching others express creatively what God speaks to them. I see it everyday.
I am hungry for beauty of the Lord. I am really hungering for God.
In my worship to God, He doesn't want my 'left-over' praise, my 'left-over' work.
Because of EVERYTHING that God's done FOR ME, more than I really know, I desire to give thanks by doing my all to God. There are times I been lacking in this abounding joy to serve the Lord with all my heart, mind and soul. Especially the mind. So I'm thankful to see that as I stare at beauty of the Lord in all He's done, His detail of love... I will give back all the more. My focus is on the Lord, when I eventually find that I've lost myself in the expression of art, this creativity, my worship to the Lord... focus is no longer on me. Past is no matter in that failures are far from me as west is from east. God's not the harsh judge, His Grace overspills into my life. Peace washes over me because I know God is patient, I don't have to have the right formula to creative worship.
I smile in amusement today because God has spoken to me again through Psalms class of his beauty. Our praise to the Lord, our expression of love...
I walked out of the library, the sun still shining and I felt... beautiful. I felt lifted, released, free, hopeful, loved, loving, I understood.
About that restless spirit... I've thought on it and I've noticed that... this beauty of the Lord spills over into my life, it's then I feel so much (I hate this word, but only one I can think of) "potential", I feel so much strength in me even if I "fail", so much of everything that is Good and I want to tell the world.
I think that is a natural response that is to come out of this, as freely has been given to me, God desires me to give to others. I am to tell the world.
I remember one time as I was pondering on this restlessness, I stopped whatever I was doing and said to God "I think you want me to share the gospel".
So if I've lost you in my babbling, restlessness a.k.a. itch to share the glory of life Jesus has to offer.
Why should I keep this all to myself?
'Cuz really, I'm not meant to.