Trying too hard

This was a slap in the face for me. Thank you God for letting me know... although I didn't like that at first. The words "You're trying too hard" had gone deeper into my heart and meant more than just the fact that I was trying too hard to play the guitar. Haha Dave, you didn't even know it, but your words spoken to me at Eagles Rest Retreat had dragged me out of my slumber and awoke me to the reality that I'm working harder than I should at 'perfecting' my faith.
It's been since February, and STILL I'm losing my energy, the strength in me is draining. And so, these words hit me today, again. I'm annoyed with myself. Arg, God if only we could learn things the first time. I'm sorry you got to keep drilling things into my head in order that I learn. Actually, I'm not. I am, but I'm not. I am eternally grateful for your patience. I would be lost (without you). And I am sorry, that I haven't listened. I heard it, but shrugged it off.
I'm trying too hard and gripping the club too tight. Too hard and I'm shaking. Too hard and I'm worrying. Too hard and I'm stalling. Freezing.
And with the guitar, in my strumming, just trying too hard...
I still don't understand what trying too hard has to do with my strumming, i know I am trying hard, harder than I should but... I'll keep practicing at the guitar. Jimmy Sev had encouraged me to just practice. Practice practice practice.
Hey if you say practice long enough it begins to sound weird. Practice practice practice... annoying word to say.

K whatever, so.. I'm going to figure out now... how I can just keep going, my slate is clean (everyday), just keep going.

During my hikes, I see the constant moving rivers, my heart says "Yes. I want to be like that". I look at a pond, stale and unmoving, my heart says "No. Ew. Gross. I don't want to be like that". 'N lately I just been STUCK.

Back in... December I had said
"I squeezed through the brushes, blazed some new trails in my life, working on some old ones, mostly peeled through muddy areas where I have been getting stuck. Overall, I'm bomming on life's crazy roads and enjoying it!"

Not sure right now that I'm as enthusiastic. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. Feel that I'm in the muddy and still stuck. It's been too long now. I'm in over my head I feel sometimes. 'N I need help, God's been tellin me that too. I am independant somewhat, pioneering, and God gives me the strength to blaze new trails. But right now.. I just need help.
I hate asking people for help.
Especially if it's for myself and in my weaknesses. I never want to inconvenience anyone with my problems. At least that's what the voice keeps saying to me. I know that's not truth.

Time and season for everything, guess I'm in the season for depending on others. To help me out. I'm part of a body, part of the church, I need others. I haven't been pulling away from People, I very much love them, especially being with them. In areas of my life I keep them at a distance. I open my heart only so far as to make sure I'm not being too vulnerable. Making sure I won't get hurt.
This is lack of humility.
Lack of confidence in "God's ability through me".
Sheesh, i am a coward.

'N a verse jus popped into my head the other day "Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world".
Bing! Lightbulb!
Yup, let myself believe that he who's in the world is greater than He who is in me.
*Laughs*
So that's definately kicked me in the butt and turned me the other way.
Yup. This has been my past few months. Putting energy into too much and even no energy put into anything at all. So I'll just keep going. In that way appointed.
Get unstuck.
Refrain from trying too hard. Relax.

That's good 'cause my (spiritual) muscles may soon go into spasms.
Either that or muscle cramps.