Rejection hurts

You know it. I know it. That’s why I don’t open up. In some ways anyway. My voice after experiencing the pain was “I shouldn’t have opened up”. My heart hurt. My soul wanted to hide. I just really wanted to crash into some caring arms. I wanted to cry, and I did.

Rejection stinks. Jesus? Why did you do this for us? Put up with our shit.
It feels so lonely.
It is so hard for me to open up in the way I feel the Holy Spirit leading me too. There’s risk. Risk. That pesky word. Risk. Sounds fun at the same time. Recently, I stepped out on the limb. I moved out in the way I wanted. I opened up. Received what I expected would come in my tango with risk- pain.
Aching heart. Aching soul. My mind screaming.
I’m confused.

You maybe noticed I said wanted (I moved out in the way I wanted), maybe I should have used the word “called” instead? Sort of. There was a connection I felt. Something beautiful about the other person that I knew I should not ignore. The aura (aora?) given off was… Beautiful. Attractive. Worth the risk.

I didn’t consult the Holy Spirit in prayer before I moved from the sturdy, safe tree (the center point, comfortable zone). I fell. I took ‘matters into my own hands’. The opportunity was there, I didn’t hear a voice saying “No, don’t go there”. I didn’t wait for it. Kept God out of it. I should expect and should receive what comes when God’s snuffed out of situations. It all falls apart. Relationship falls apart. I fall apart inside. God’s hand is removed. God’s hand is not there to keep it all together.

I’m very confused about how much God can do, how much we can do together, and how much I can do myself. My question is how does everything balance out?

When I look at myself, I see a lot of ways that I’m very much a clam. Holy Spirit never tires to work at prying me open. Lord, it feels uncomfortable. I hate vulnerability. Others then have ammo to rip me up and take shots at me.
What if when I open up, and I feel you called me to it, I still hurt. Is that what you want? Want me to get used to it? The feeling sucks. Am I supposed to develop spiritual calluses? Rough me up so when something bigger comes, I’ll be able to take it?

Yes, I felt sorry. Yes, I asked forgiveness. Yes, I want another chance. Yes, I’m still hurting.

Yes, I learned from this:

Eating a fruit before it’s ripe doesn’t taste good.

I feel very strongly that I wasn’t supposed to move yet.
I feel very strongly that I bit the fruit before it was ripe.

Now I’ve got those bruises and now I’ve got that bitter taste in my mouth.

*SIGH*

Defeated by sin?

No such thing.
"If we always give our all to God, and focus only on Him, it's like a ginormous wall of protection automatically around our minds, our hearts, everything! Where there is light, darkness can not abide. <= i think that's somewhere in the Bible too (Proverbs?). But ya, if we are absolutely consumed by God, and we open all of ourselves up to Him to let His light shine on and in us, then there's no way the enemy can slime ball us! Wow.... I love God."
Well said Miranda.
I *red this in your blog, I was deeply encouraged.

Dear Reader,

Beloved one,
The wounded are healed by God,

their low spirits find their protection in Him.

In all paths, acknowledge Him and He will send for you, He will direct you.

The persecuted are watched over, on Lord's wings they are lifted.

Stand firm in truth, when everything is sinking around you,
remember who's rock you stand on, Jesus laid your foundation,
He is the foundation.
And he has conquered. He's overcome death.

You're with Christ, you are in Christ, you are for Christ- who can stand up against you?
None.
When God's word and Spirit is with you, rise to faithfulness. Rise to courage. Rise to confidence.
This hope will not disappoint you.

Your name was once lame, dead one, hopeless, unsuccessful, unfaithful, uncourageous one, black sheep, lost, abandoned...
But you were taken at that moment of belief and love in Jesus,
adopted,
given honor in heaven and the earth, surrounded by celestial beings...
You have a new name:
Righteous one,
Faithful one,
Courageous one,
Beloved,
Princess,
Princess,
Leader,
Humble one,
Forgiven...

Grace and mercy are yours- let love be your preferred place to be- draw yourself before the One who's made your salvation possible- spend time with the Author of your life

You will find more than you know, you love being there.

I'm satisfied:)

On a beautiful Day in Nemiah~

I went swimming with my bro and my cousins!

At Chilco I caught a glimpse of this cloud

(looks like an eagle to me, at least when I was gazing at it).

Too bad you can't see their faces:( lol

It goes: Trev in the front, then Lashway & then Jacky.

Below is Dillon who was in the freezing cold lake.

I don't blame him, it was bone-stiff'ng,

blood freezing water with the needles thru your body and everything.

Jackie coached me through emersing my body into it lol,

was lotta fun with her.

Here is Jacky & Lashway's sweet lil sis, Lucinda

Lucinda is a Latin name, meaning "Bringer of Light"

She's definately a Lil Light;)

The boys jumped in right away and we were jus' wimps.

Some goofy pics of me and Trev (again, hehe)

Ta-daaa! That's our day adventures:)

On a beautiful Night in Nemiah~

Our night adventures begin...

We bommed through the backroads to Chilco Lake...

My quading buddies- April, Kym 'n Yoyo

Tough summer I know :P

A close-up on my squished cheeks...

The sound of waves trickling down the rocks...

the sound of peace

I'LL RETURN WITH MORE ADVENTURES! I'm off...!

randoms

feeling goofy, trevy & i.

isn't he a cutie? I get to bug him all summer looooong:)

..... i look like a dinosaur.

creating me list:
-eat first. dinner is ready:) brb

-continue cleaning in the house. hopefully make some progress in our disastrous looking basement, all our stuff from Abby is stuffed into every space found

-make plans as to what colors we may use to paint our walls (us girl's room be painted for sure. we've had gorgeous weather, hope that'll continue)

&

also which pictures of ours we could use to stick up

-bug dad to put in new shower wall

-bug dad to go hunting this summer:D

-plan meals for next 2 weeks so we know what we need when we get our grub in WL (yes, we drive 2 1/2 hours every weekend for groceries, for those who don't know)

-put my clothes where they belong... they tend to be thrown everywhere

-call the Tanis's, they're here for the summer! Our niece Jayell will hopefully be out here too!

-get some nights out of the week planned (family game night, small-groups girls night deal... mon-wed's are gym nights, yay!)

my day tomorrow...

-shower

-interviewed after 9am for my summer job. i may be into carpentry. wohoo! out in the sun. or either i'll be w/ my Mum (a.k.a. deskwork & lotta organizing). that's ok. wear my pretty dresses.

-go to beach

-more house clean-up

Hum hum hummmmmmmmm, 's all that comes to mind for now.

Will all this get done? Maybe not tomorrow. This week! I say that and it probably won't happen. But I'm working on it.

I love this shirt I saw in Abby,

"Slacker Unite! ... maybe tomorrow". (SOMETHING like that)

It was just funny. But yeah... slacking, procrastinating, excuses= evil. I don't like evil. Away with evil. Go away evil.

Through New Doors

I am back home, and it is definitely a different feeling than I have had before. This time I will be here through the summer AND into September. Weird.
Before everything seemed ‘short term’ with being in Nemiah for only the summer and going back to school in Sept- built into the community in ‘little ways’. Now… don’t think that has changed. Much. I know I’m always expecting to see and do ‘the great things’ in life. The great things are in the small things. That’s what I’m taking up for myself. Mother Theresa had said “You can’t do great things. Only small things with great love”.
“..WITH Great Love” has been the words being chiseled into my heart since I’ve got here.

I feared coming back here. Afraid that my old patterns of life would set in and there would be no motivation to let God use me. The deepest of me didn’t want to come back, at the same time, I really did. Mostly, I guess I didn’t feel ready to come back. Not prepared enough. Not willing enough. Not empowered enough.
I’m really good at making excuses.
But God tells me “So was Moses, so was Caleb, so were a lot of people…” (at making excuses).
“But you don’t know the plans I have for you. Not until you give yourself into my hands. Surrender. Trust Me. Hope in me. LOVE me.”

The past month I really been in the slumps. Scraping the bottom of the barrel (spiritually) so to speak. Sometimes I would just ‘wake up’ and be like “..WHY do I feel like this?” Feeling stupid when sometimes it would hit me, my reality is in Jesus, I’m in His Kingdom. “No scheme of man or power of evil can overcome my God or lord over me”. The life Jesus leads is not fantasy. It’s real.
And I am in His hands. (And really, what better place could I be.)
I thank God for people who could coach me through it.

Now, me being here, it’s no longer a fear, no longer just a “job” being here. I have red* one of Max Lucado’s chapter on letting God into every room of my soul. With air-conditioning you open vents of your home so the cool air circulates all areas of the house, the rooms that are open anyway. And this really did something for me. Was really weird. I found it so hard to give Everything up to God, and surrender all of me. But I just felt my soul let it’s walls down:) Doors were being opened within me.
I really feel refreshed:)

His waters are rushing over my parched, thirsty and hungry soul.

All I know is that everything turns out for the best. God has lived up to His fame these past few years: Faithfulness. In all my uncertainty, I know I can trust Him.

I wanted so much to get out into the world, instead of staying home, God provided. I didn’t even know where Abbotsford was, and there was a family there where God coordinated that we would be a blessing for them as they were a blessing to us.
We needed a place to board, they opened their home up to us. 5 years later, I know we can still go back there and we have a ‘second set of parents’ and another bro to bug!

Throughout my highschool, feeling drawn out and no energy spiritually. God provided.
After graduation, that fear creeps up in me “What am I going to do now???” I didn’t know that my first year college would be one of the best years of my life. Strengthening the ‘foundations of my Faith’, I didn’t know where this Faith came from. Now I feel stronger because I know ‘a bit more’.

I didn’t know how Lifeteams would be, and that too, became another one of the best years of my life. God provided. I came away with 12 friends who I’ll have for life and practical ways of living out my faith everyday. It was a hard year, but I been sharpened. That’s our verse of the year: “As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another”.

My last year at CBC this year, uncertain and wondering how it would be, again I hit a really good year. God provided.

So now I’m standing at a new door. At the moment it feels like A LOT of doors I could walk through. Question is which door. I’m kind of feeling it out. Dipping my toes into where I feel the water is right.

I talked with Tim Wade of Williams Lake YFC, one person down, few more to go. I’ve got to call some peop’s from a church.. maybe work there?
When comes close to school, people at the schools?

Meh, God will provide. (I will forgive you if you close out of this window because of so much 'providing' words.. don't mean to stimulate you guys' eyes with it so much teehee)

We came into Williams Lake on Wednesday from Princeton, that felt weird. Me ‘n Yo had a really good talk on our way into Nemiah. That was SO good. It was about Love:)
I continue to have a deeper sense of that word.

When we got to the lookout, just before you hit the valley, there was a beautiful sunset all around us. We took that as a welcome home gift. Joy flood into me as I whispered “I’m home”.

Came back to Williams Lake this past weekend, that felt really good:) I felt right at home and there was an excitement in me saying “There’s good things for me here”.

(Through that door) Maybe I’ve already walked through it. Think I have.

K, thoughts are over, I'm out. Be watching a movie with my lil bro.